Letters -- Joan Gets Letters -- Salon.com's Joan Walsh Fields Letters Galore

One of the most exciting parts of Salon.com is the invigorating back and forth exchange that takes place in the "Letters" section.

Frankly, here at Salon: The Parody, we can't get enough of the wonderful letter writers over at Salon, especially the intrepid folks and fans who post letters in response to editor Joan Walsh's blog posts.

Now, there's no need to even go to the letters section.

You can experience the wonders of Salon's letters section vicariously, right here, at Salon: the Parody. Join in the fun now!

Rebecca Traister: Joan Walsh's Mini-Me at Salon.com

Who wouldn't love a junior version of yourself? The rumblings are afoot that Joan's going to get herself a tv show. But who will replace her? Could she be passing the baton to Rebecca Traister? Or is "imitation the sincerest form of flattery?" Who knows... Our intercepted email may have the elusive answers...

Thanks, Wonkette...

for giving Salon: the Parody a taste of Wonkette fame.

(And for the record, we're really not hatin' on Joan. Just trying to figure out why she's hatin' on Obama, and wondering when she's finally going to recover from Hillary losing the primary...)

Joan Walsh Hands Out New Anti-Obama, Pro-Hillary, "That's Sexist!" Writing Assignments for Salon Staff

It may be summer, but the living is not easy over at Salon.com. That's right, no rest for the weary, even after grueling primary coverage, because there are ad clicks to generate, and outraged letters to inspire!!

Here's Joan Walsh's latest memo to staff, outlining the top secret story ideas she has planned -- ones that will reflect the new Salon-wide policy of finding anti-Obama, pro-Hillary or "that's sexist!" angles in every story until the Inauguration.

More Muslim Than Obama

Yes, even though you may be a bit confused after reading Salon's latest distorted anti-Obama headline, there's another blog out there that has figured it all out. So, major Salon: The Parody fistbumps, kudos, props, and cheers for the wonderful new site, More Muslim Than Obama. They are doing it right...in the right venue, in the right way.

So, three ululations for this wonderful new site!!!

Salon.com: If the Presidential Candidates Were Single

Salon.com seems to be overly concerned with the potential of a "catfight" -- to use editor Joan Walsh's favorite new word -- between the wives of the two presumptive Presidential nominees. So -- with a tip of the hat to Salon Letters regulars, Quiet Type (a true genius) and C. Mosby, who came up with the idea -- Salon: the Parody envisions the Salon homepage...IF the candidates were single...

And Now, a Word from Barack...

Salon's Joan Walsh Asks: "What's Wrong with...ME?"

Check out Salon.com, and you're apt to find editor Joan Walsh or one of her trusty minions lamenting:

What's wrong with (Fill in the blank with: Barack Obama?Michelle Obamathe Obama campaign? Obama supporters?men?)
or
I'm concerned about (Fill in the blank with: Barack Obama?Michelle Obamathe Obama campaign? Obama supporters?men?)

But she's turned her laser-like gaze to a topic of the ultimate importance, what's wrong with...HERSELF!

Salon's Voting Republican!!!!

Yes, at the direction of our fearless leader Joan Walsh, we are all now so incensed that Hillary had her nomination stolen away from her by the sexist Obama campaign, that we're voting Republican. Watch the video to see why!!

Salon.com's Joan Walsh Lobbies for Her Own Show at MSNBC

Joan Walsh has read the riot act to Phil Griffin, senior vice president of NBC News and the executive in charge of MSNBC, complaining about Griffin's defense of Olbermann. But right after she sent an email to Griffin for comment, Joan drafted a friendlier fax to pitch Griffin on her new show idea. It's going out tomorrow morning. Here's your first look at the the confidential memo!

Write Your Own Joan Walsh Salon.com Blog Post-omatic

Salon.com editor Joan Walsh can take a well-deserved vacation.

That's because the "Write Your Own Joan Walsh Salon.com Blog Post-omatic" is here, to take over the important job of writing Joan's blog posts for her!

Try it yourself! You may have a future as Salon's editor too!!

I am very concernedconfusedamazeddisgusted by Barack Obama.

Despite running her incredibleawe-inspiringtotally racist campaign, and having the Democratic nomination hijacked away fromstolen away fromfairly and squarely given to Obama and not her, Hillary still had the graciousness to endorsesort of endorsebarely concede to Obama.

And despite Reverend WrightBittergatehis poor bowling,Samantha Power calling Hillary a monsterall the sexismplaying the reverse race cardMichelle Obama's big mouthFr. Pflegldid I mention Rev. Wright?all the sexism, Obama will be the Democractic nominee in August, unless, of course something happens to him, like Bobby Kennedysome of those ugly rumors are truesomething happens to him (well it COULD!)

Of course, in the meantime, I am subjected to the scorn of the Obama supportersthe Obamaniacsthe Obama boysthe ObamabotsXrandadu Hutman, which pains me greatly. Because I have taken great care to be fairbalancedimpartialfair and balancedfair, balanced and impartial in all my primary coverage.

And I'd like to close by saying that the most important issue, bar none, of the primary is, without a doubt :
sexismsexismsexismHillary should have wonsexismsexismsexismwhether I get my own MSNBC show next year

-- Joan Walsh

Kilroy was here -- Salon's Troll of the Day Award Winner

Today's winner is Kilroy was here, a truly grumpy old troll who seems to despise everyone and everything, but has a particularly telling problem with Obama's ears. (Yes, his ears, and you know what Dr. Freud would say about that, Kilroy, don't you?)

Kilroy also seems to be especially concerned with the credit status of Obama supporters. Perhaps Kilroy is employed with Mastercard or Visa?

Read a particularly moronic and misogynistic contribution by Kilroy, titled "Michelle is Disgusting."

Hillary's post-election beard and other hilarity

Ok, let's admit it. Xrandadu Hutman is a true parody genius. Here is another brilliant XH contribution. Be sure you read all the AP stories, and the ads, because there are gems aplenty sprinkled throughout this work of art and smart. Here here, Hutman. Can we at least name you as Co-editor?

Salon.com Ponders Barack Obama's Fist Bump Problem

Barack Obama has a fist bump problem. And Hillary's pantsuits are THE fashion must-have for Fall. Let's continue to be concerned about Obama, and explore everything wonderful about Hillary, today, at Salon: the Parody.

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The Democractic Primary Season in 8 Minutes

A video not to be missed, that summarizes all the key milestones of the Democratic primary season.

Salon.com: All Hillary, All the Time

Hillary may be yesterday's news, but not at Salon.com, where she's front, center, and the topic of nearly every story! Hooray -- Salon is staying on point, no change agenting there, and no pivoting allowed!!!
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Joan Walsh: How Obama won me over

We are honored to bring you this brilliant contribution from guest parodist Xrandadu Hutman, a smart, funny and popular writer who is well-known at Salon.com's letters column. Xrandadu Hutman has regularly offered polite but tenacious and energetically argued counterpoint to many of Joan Walsh's anti-Obama columns. Here, Xrandadu shares an alternate reality -- perhaps a future vision -- of Salon's editor Joan Walsh -- having transformed herself into an unabashed Obamamaniac.

Are we "hope-mongers" so audacious as to believe that maybe it could actually happen? (Feel free to leave your predictions, and your love for XH, here in the comments section!)

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Hooray for ShawnWM: Winner of The Joan Walsh Honorary Anti-Obama Troll of the Day Award

Today's winner is ShawnWM, who never fails to shock and awe with a steady stream of racist and just plain wackadoo wingding diatribes that often involve animals, spandex and bodily excretions (are you telling us something there Shawn?)

Here, then, for your award-winning pleasure, are some famous ShawnWMisms direct from the pages of Salon.com letters, where, after nearly a year, ShawnWM STILL hasn't been banned, and continues to share witticisms like these:

• "rodentesque Nobama trolls"
  
• "Just sit there and talk about masturbating with monkeys like the rest of Obamas supporters"
  
• "I may have casually implied something about the astronomical rate of HIV in black women as well the severely obese black women who walk around in spandex."
  
• "You don't need to listen to that brown shit too. You don't owe the 'unifying' sack of shit and his groteseque supporters a damned thing."

Is there someone in the Salon letters area that you think deserves the Award? Email us with your nomination now.

C. Mosby: Obama Lunch Exclusive

June 5, 2008 -- With thanks to special correspondent C. Mosby, for this exclusive account, first reported in Salon.com.

"We have it from reliable sources that notable TV pundit and Salon editor-in-chief Joan Walsh managed to broker a private lunch meeting recently at an undisclosed Manhattan residence for presumptive nominee Barack Obama. According to reports, aside from Mr. Obama, the guest list included Hillary Clinton, Joan Walsh, Geraldine Ferraro, Taylor Marsh, and Harriet Christian. An anonymous source reports that Mr. Obama brought flowers for all.

This luncheon is reportedly just one of many Ms. Walsh apparently will be arranging for Mr. Obama to help shore up his constituency for the upcoming general election campaign. The details are still skimpy; but sources say that some of the agenda items included:

1. Reissuing a previously released Shorenstein Center report that concluded there was no evidence of disparate effects of sexism or racism on either of the last two Democratic candidate’s campaigns during the recently concluded primaries. The agenda item was proposed by Ms. Ferraro who insists this “flawed” conclusion is the result of “reverse racism”.

2. Presentation of a list of grievances that Mr. Obama needs to address as furnished by Anne Louise, editor of Salon’s spin-off publication. (List can be read here.)

3. Direct input to, and the right to veto, Mr. Obama’s choice for Vice President on his ticket.

We have been unable to confirm rumors that Ms. Walsh has been offered the position of White House Press Secretary in the event of Mr. Obama’s election; but most people agree that would be a logical choice considering the facility Ms. Walsh has demonstrated in dealing with those in the media. Mr. Obama allegedly praised the objectivity and fairness of Salon in covering his primary campaign, adding that the concerns frequently expressed by Ms. Walsh were key to the current status of his candidacy.

Not every thing went smoothly. According to unnamed wait staff at the event, Ms. Christian “came unglued” when an African American Secret Service agent attempted to “pat her down” upon her arrival, screaming “I am not a second class citizen”.

This was just the first of many appearances Ms. Walsh expects to be arranging on what she calls Mr. Obama’s “reach out to white America” tour. Next up, according to Ms. Walsh, a dinner engagement for Mr. Obama including herself, Bill O’Reilly and Pat Buchanan at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem. Ms. Walsh admitted that she had a difficult time persuading Mr. Buchanan to attend until she and Mr. O’Reilly convinced him it would be safe with Secret Service protection and that the restaurant would be serving Corned Beef and Cabbage ala Harlem."

Obama Better Apologize to Hillary, Joan Walsh, and White Women, and...

Anne Louise here, editor of Salon: The Parody, with a letter of support for my colleague Joan Walsh, of Salon.com, and her blog post, The other 18 million

Joan Walsh is of COURSE outraged. Her daughter is graduating from high school, and will be leaving her to go to college. She's trying to expand her pundit career, but as she gets ready to turn 50, and without Arianna's TV presence and millions of dollars, it's not going as well as she'd like. And despite everything she's doing to elevate Salon and make it fair and balanced for all, she's facing increasing criticism. HOW UNFAIR!!!

But the cherry on top is that a man has effectively stolen the nomination away from Hillary Clinton -- a smart, capable, educated woman who, just like Joan, has worked hard all her life, raised an accomplished daughter, and faced down years of criticism, only to have her dreams fade away at the prime of her life.

Yes, Obama's hijacking the Democratic nomination is a slap in the face to every woman, but none are more outraged than women like Joan and me: the millions of mid-life and older women, smarter than nearly everyone else, working harder than nearly everyone else, and yet, feeling ourselves invisible, due to unspeakable sexism and obstacles...and all along, getting criticized and attacked instead of rewarded.

Yes, we women are volatile and angry over the sexism Clinton has faced -- and that they face every single day -- and they have every right to be outraged.

Women are the largest Democratic constituency. Winning without support from these women -- these white Democratic women who are understandably feeling angry, insulted, and bitter -- will be impossible for Obama.

But there is a solution. Joan has outlined it, but she didn't make it clear and specific enough. Joan mentioned "a few simple pointers," but she needs to spell it out for Obama and the Obamabot/Obamanaics/Obama Boys.

Obama must apologize.

And he must apologize a lot.

In fact, if he takes Joan's advice, he should plan on apologizing from dawn to dusk, day in and day out, until November. Yes, Barack Obama has a lot of apologizing to do. Here is just a few of the many things Joan Walsh thinks he should apologize for:

• Apologize for being African-American
  
• Apologize for being younger than Hillary Clinton
  
• Apologize for being a good speaker
  
• Apologize for being inspiring
  
• Apologize for speaking out against the war
  
• Apologize for attracting young people
  
• Apologize for attracting intelligent people
  
• Apologize for attracting millions of donors
  
• Apologize for having a Muslim father
  
• Apologize for having a Muslim middle name
  
• Apologize for becoming a Christian as an adult, because we know he only did this for political reasons
  
• Apologize for joining Trinity -- even though it's one of the most popular churches in Chicago -- because we know he only did this for political reasons
  
• Apologize for knowing Reverend Wright, or calling him his pastor
  
• Apologize for previously attending any church where Father Pflegl has spoken
  
• Apologize for not quitting the church sooner
  
• Apologize for quitting the church after saying he wouldn't
  
• Apologize for not denouncing Rev. Wright earlier
  
• Apologize for denouncing Rev. Wright after saying he wouldn't
  
• Apologize for Geraldine Ferraro being demonized, getting her feelings hurt and her reputation trashed
  
• Apologize for making Harriet Christian so unhappy and for being "an inadequate black man"
  
• Apologize for the fact that some black people have supported him solely because he's black
  
• Apologize for the fact that some intellectuals have supported him solely because he's smart and educated
  
• Apologize for the fact that it's his fault that women have lost a chance at having a woman president
  
• Apologize for the fact that it's his fault that middle-aged and older women feel like they are irrelevant
  
• Apologize for the fact that some people supporting him have called some people supporting Hillary racists
  
• Apologize for personally causing an angry white female backlash
  
• Apologize for every sexist attack on Clinton, no matter who perpetrated it
  
• Apologize for every sexist attack on Clinton's white female supporters, no matter who perpetrated it
  
• Apologize for every sexist attack on female journalists, no matter who perpetrated it
  
• Apologize for every sexist attack on bloggers who've occasionally tried to defend Hillary or critique him, no matter who perpetrated it
  
• Apologize for every single reader attack on Joan Walsh
  
• Personally apologize for rufus
  
• Apologize for anyone who thinks that Hillary, Joan Walsh, or any woman is a "washed up old white woman"
  
• Apologize to every woman who has been the subject of "dismissive, derisive references to bitter old white women"
  
• Apologize for quashing the feeling of female pride about Clinton's quest
  
• Apologize for overshadowing the historic nature of Clinton's presidential bid
  
• Apologize for overshadowing Clinton's lackluster stump speeches
  
• Apologize for every incident of sexist disrespect faced by Clinton and her female supporters, including Joan Walsh
  
• Apologize for any denials of such sexist disrespect on the part of himself, his campaign, the media, his supporters, and everyone in America for that matter
  
• Apologize for Chris Matthews
  
• Apologize for Keith Olbermann
  
• Apologize for Jonathan Alter
  
• Apologize for Howard Fineman
  
• Apologize for Ted Kennedy, Jimmy Carter, Oprah, Rahm Emmanuel, and every single prominent public official or celebrity who has supported him or endorsed him, thereby disrespecting Hillary Clinton
  
• Apologize for not speaking out when MSNBC said Hillary was"pimping out" Chelsea
• Apologize for not speaking out when the media questioned whether Hillary's tears were real
  
• Apologize for being pro-choice, thereby backing McCainocratic women into a corner in November
  
• Apologize for being against the war, thereby backing McCainocratic women into a corner in November
  
• Apologize for being in favor of improving the economy, thereby backing McCainocratic women into a corner in November
  
• Apologize for planning to appoint liberal Supreme Court justices, thereby backing McCainocratic women into a corner in November
  

Joan gets it. She knows what it will take for Obama to win. The question is, does Obama?

The Joan Walsh Quiz: How Well Do You Know Joan Walsh's Writing at Salon.com? Take Our Quiz Now

(With kudos to 23/6.com for their Maureen Dowd Reader's Guide idea)

Are you a regular Salon.com reader? Have you religiously followed Salon.com editor Joan Walsh through the twists and turns of her pretzel-like logic as she has dutifully covered the Democratic nomination process for more than a year?

Maybe you think you know Salon's fearless leader, but how well? Joan Walsh's punditry and strategic insights are so heartfelt and deep that you may be missing some of the intricate subtlety of her work.

But fear not! Now you can find out how well you really know Joan's writing by taking our Salon: The Parody "Joan Walsh Quiz."

Sharpen your pencils, and get ready to test your knowledge of one of Hillary's chief media defenders!



1. When did Joan say, regarding the Democratic primary process: "...it's true we don't know how it will end."

a) Summer 2007
b) December 2007
c) February 2008
d) Late May 2008

Answer: d.

2. When Joan starts a sentence: "I chose not to write about..." what happens next?

a) She explains briefly what she is choosing not to write about.
b) She moves on to another topic
c) She touches upon the subject quickly
d) She goes on at length to describe exactly what she chooses not to write about, in great and gory detail, so as to present every single ugly accusation, rumor, innuendo or smear campaign effort

Answer: d. Example: "I chose not to write about...Father Michael Pfleger's reprehensible remarks about Hillary Clinton at Trinity last Sunday..."

3. When Joan leads with the words: "Most would agree..." what does this mean?

a) Polls have been conducted to show that...
b) Research has been done to prove that...
c) Vetted experts have gotten together and established that...
d) Joan is the only person who believes that...

Answer: d

4. True or false: When Joan wants to exaggerate associations with people perceived as negative, she inserts the word "longtime" as often as she can.

Answer: True. Example: "I felt that the ravings of a guest preacher, even one who's a longtime friend and advisor to Obama, just didn't seem as relevant as those of his longtime pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright.

5. True or False: Joan Walsh uses rhetorical questions and either/or questions to present negative information.

Answer: True. Examples: (Rhetorical) "Has Trinity changed? Obama doesn't say..."
(Either/or argument) "Either he attended the church for 20 years and knew that gratuitous anti-white rhetoric was accepted there, and didn't care until he was running for president, or his church affiliation was mainly a political one and he wasn't paying much attention."

6. What words does Joan add to the end of an attack sentence, to make it seem like she actually cares and isn't on the attack:

a) "...was horrendous."
b) "...was unconscionable.
c) "...was unacceptable."
d) "...was a little confusing."

Answer: d. Example: "But Obama's decision to leave his church of 20 years just two months after his Philadelphia speech on race, in which he said he wouldn't, was a little confusing."

7. When Hillary Clinton does something absolutely horrendous, how does Joan describe it?

a) "lackluster"
b) "unfortunate"
c) "bad phrasing"
d) All of the above

Answer: d. Examples: "...her lackluster campaign strategy coming into 2008..." "...Clinton's unfortunate reference to Robert F. Kennedy's assassination..."

8. True or False? Joan Walsh wrote: "The world is divided between people who consider Bill and Hillary Clinton monsters, and people who don't."

Answer: True

9. According to Joan Walsh, who is most worried about Democratic unity and the November chance to beat McCain?

a) "Democratic party officials"
b) "Democratic governors"
c) "MSNBC's Keith Olbermann"
d) "staunch Obama supporters"

Answer: d.

10. If Joan starts a sentence "It might seem misguided to focus on..." what comes next?

a) something negative about Obama that Joan wants to focus on
b) something negative about the Obama campaign that Joan wants to focus on
c) something negative about Obama supporters that Joan wants to focus on
d) all of the above

Answer: d.

* * * * * * * *

How well did you do? If you got 10 out of 10, you must be Carol Richards, Steve1us, bernbart, AncientAssyrian, Xrandadu Hutman or Manos!

Only a 1 out of 10? Hey, W.E.S., how are ya? Oh, sorry, we didn't realize it was you, KateTex!

Congratulations KateTex, Indefatigable Letters Troll at Salon: Winner of the Joan Walsh Honorary Anti-Obama Troll of the Day Award!

Here at Salon: The Parody, we LOVE KateTex the indefatigable letter troll known as KateTex.

So much so, in fact, that we've given KateTex our newest accolade, the Joan Walsh Honorary Anti-Obama Troll of the Day Award, honoring those letter writers who manage to trash Barack Obama, his campaign, or supporters in a convoluted, passive-aggressive, concern troll, or simply outright insane way at Salon.com.

Today, KateTex actually managed to conjure up the image of torturing kittens when talking about Obama!

Don't believe us? Read it for yourself!

Congratulations, KateTex! Joan would be proud!

Obama's Joan Walsh problem (She's a McCainocrat!)

Joan Walsh is "concerned." And when she's concerned, look out Barack Obama. And now, finally, as the Democratic nominating process comes to an end, the Salon.com editor has FINALLY made an endorsement...

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TAKE OUR LATEST POLL: What will Joan do after the last two primaries, when it's clear that Hillary can't win the nomination?