And that's why I was so vocal, so adoring of everything Hillary said and did, and so unfailingly critical, concern-trolling, and derisive of Obama. Because, after all, I know where my bread is buttered. I had to do what was right for ME!!!
Of course, you all know how I feel about Obama stealing the nomination out from under Hillary Clinton. It may be faddish and fashionable and clever to talk about PUMAs, but disappointed and disillusioned Clinton supporters are a force to be reckoned with -- and you can count me among them.
But, I have been forced to face reality, and, barring any "unforeseen events" -- note that I am NOT bringing up Bobby Kennedy here -- Obama will be nominated officially in just a few weeks.
Which is why I, Joan Walsh, must URGE the Obama campaign to seriously consider Hillary Clinton as his running mate. Why?
Even though she voted to authorize the Iraq War -- and then voted on Kyl-Lieberman to authorize war against Iran -- in her heart, she really isn't a hawk, because she's a woman.
Even though she allowed her surrogates -- including Bill -- to say and do all sorts of things that raise the suspicion of racism -- in her heart, she's really not a racist. How could she discriminate against anyone, really, because after all, she's a woman.
Even though she wouldn't concede for a long time, and kept threatening to take it to the convention, she's not really a megalomaniacal egotist. How could she be? She's a woman? Only men are megalomaniacal egotists (ahem...paging Barack Obama...)
Even though she ran a really awful campaign, let Ickes and Penn run it into the ground, went broke a bunch of times, hired and fired all sorts of people, and let Terry McAuliffe be her spokesman, she's really, in her heart, a wonderful fiscal/strategic/people manager. She just had a run of bad luck...because she's a woman of course.
Even though she didn't get the nomination, it's just not fair, and women deserve more, and so she should at least be VP. It's the least everyone can do, because women are treated so shabbily in politics.
And come on already. She had to stay married to a megalomaniacal egotist cheater for all this time, and be publicly humiliated more times than she can count. It should count for something!
And last but not least, given my unfailing support, shilling, and cheerleading for Hillary from the earliest days of her campaign, I am owed -- and I am owed bigtime. So I expect that if Hillary is the nominee, and the Democrats win, you're looking at the next Communications Director for the office of the Vice President!!!!
Maybe my dream of an office in the West Wing isn't going to come true (not yet, at least -- notice I'm NOT talking about John F. Kennedy here) but the Old Executive Office Building does has its own charm, don't you agree?
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Obama may be on the road to the Middle East, but here at home, all eyes are focused on Pressplane-gate, the heinous Obama campaign's deliberate snubbing of the New Yorker, and refusal to choose the magazine to get one of the 40 seats on the press plane being allocated to 200 media requesting seats. Such outrage! Seething fury is ensuing. And did we mention outrage??!! And your fair, impartial and unbiased political pundit, Salon.com's Joan Walsh, is on the case!!! (Click to enlarge image)
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Some people doubt that Salon.com has been gunning for Obama for a long time. But all it takes is a quick scan at just a few of many headlines, and you'll see what's really going on...and why we feel such a need to call them out on it here at Salon: the Parody!
And YES, THESE ARE REAL, ACTUAL SALON HEADLINES. No parody, nothing fake. Just Salon in all its glory... (note: they did eventually go back and take the word "uppity" out of their headline, FYI)
Click to enlarge the image.
What's up with Alternet? Don Hazen's piece today suggests that Salon -- along with the New Yorker -- are somehow doing things that HURT Obama. Whuh? Doesn't everyone understand? Joan runs all those pieces attacking Obama because she's CONCERNED about him! Really concerned.
(Seriously, Don, you are Salon: The Parody's new hero. )
Salon.com's Joan Walsh is concerned about America's failing sense of humor. If they can't get how hilarious this New Yorker cover is, then what could they possibly think is actually funny? Joan Walsh is outraged -- yes, again -- and this time, it's about people who don't have a sense of humor...
Sunday, July 13, 2008
We've managed to get our hands on Salon.com editor Joan Walsh's legal pad, where she has apparently been making a list of ideas for upcoming blog posts, based on things that outrage her.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
She's not a Republican, of course, and it's not like she really wants John McCain to get elected or anything, but Salon.com's editor, Joan Walsh, wants to hear YOUR ideas.
She is inviting YOU to comment in her letters section, and share YOUR thoughts about how we can ensure that John McCain gets elected.
What do YOU think?
(click the image below to enlarge)
Friday, July 11, 2008
Salon the Parody is bringing you more insights into the inner workings of Salon, and its addlepated editor, Joan Walsh, thanks to special guest parodist Villemar.
Villemar was able to gain top-secret access to the files of Joan Walsh, and brings us this confidential memo that Joan sent, just last night in fact, to her protegé and sycophantic sidekick, Rebecca Traister.
So, thanks to Villemar for your top-flight espionage -- and parody -- skills!! ☺
(Note: click the image to enlarge.)
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Salon's annual report has been published, and it's not good news. You can read the whole thing yourself, but here are the highlights:
"Premium subscriptions have been decreasing since Salon's quarter ended December 31, 2004 when paid subscriptions peaked at approximately 89,100. As of June 1, 2008, Salon had only 32,000 paid subscribers, [many of them lost in just the past year]." Could the return of Camille Paglia, the loss of Steve Benen, ongoing sexism hysteria, Hillary campaigning, multiple stories about bacon and pork, and Joan's constant and steady stream of hack concern-trolling and carping have anything to do with driving away more and more people? Are all those people in the letters threads who say "That's it, I'm outta here, actually making good on their promise, and not renewing their subscriptions?
"Salon has incurred significant net losses and negative cash flows from operations since its inception. As of March 31, 2008, Salon had an accumulated deficit of $96.3 million." Joan better be hoping that MSNBC has a job for her, because the bonuses are going to be pretty scarce this year in Salonland. (Maybe they'll just hand out slabs of bacon as bonuses?)
"Salon's net revenue decreased 3% to $7.5 million in the year ended March 31, 2008 from $7.7 million in the year ended March 31, 2007." Way to go, Joan! You're running a political newsmagazine, in a campaign period when advertising has been strong, and you managed to lose advertising. Hmmm, I wonder if Arianna is losing advertising...
"Advertising revenues remained flat from one year ago at $5.4 million for the year ended March 31, 2008, as sales trailed off in the fourth quarter, despite record audiences, due to sales force turnover." Sales force turnover? Let's just say it straight -- the sales force quit! Those sales people were rats leaving a sinking ship. (Either that, or they were Obama supporters who were finally fed up working for a liberal newsmagazine that seems hellbent on electing John McCain...) Plus, how exactly do you go about selling advertising on article after article about sexism, poor Hillary Clinton should have won, and bacon? A thankless job, that.
"An important factor in increasing advertising revenues in future periods, including Salon's peak third quarter ending December 31, is attracting more unique visitors to Salon's Website. Attracting more unique Website visitors is important to Salon as they generate page views, and each page view becomes a potential platform for serving advertisements."But at least NOW, does everyone understand why Joan and company keep writing controversial, provocative, pointless concern troll posts whose sole purpose is to enrage people? It's the page views, stupid... (As for the bacon and pork, it's clear they aspire to getting the Pork Producer's Council as a major advertiser. Or they're trying to piss of Muslims and Jews.)
"...substantial doubt exists as to Salon's ability to continue as a going concern because of Salon's recurring operating losses, negative cash flow and accumulated deficit." Aha, now we know why Joan throws herself at MSNBC with such gusto. If Salon doesn't fire her first, the whole operation still may be going down kablooey.
So Joan's desperation makes sense. 50 approaching, retirement looming, kid in college -- she needs a job. If Salon's going to go down the tubes, she wants to be positioned.
But poor "Mini-Me" (aka, Rebecca Traister). She has to be wondering if Joan's going to take her along when she bails on Salon for MSNBC!
Salon readers who participated in our last poll were able to quite amazingly predict what Joan Walsh would do! Now, it's your chance to do it again!!
She's back from vacation, she's given Obama her de rigeur blasting re: FISA, with a hint of Hillary worship. But what's next?
Vote in our poll!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Cue the scary horror flick music! Joan Walsh is back from vacation. AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!
(Of course Joan wasn't REALLY off on vacation. She was off having lunch meetings to pitch MSNBC execs, begging them to give her a bigtime primetime teevee show so she can show off her astounding political punditry talents...)
So, Joan has more than a week off from Salon, time that you'd think she'd reflect for, oh, maybe five minutes or so between those MSNBC meetings. You know, think about Salon, its future, where its going, how to improve it -- important stuff like that.
So, first thing back, does she comes back with a gleam in her eye and finally fire Camille Paglia? Does she tell her Mini-Me Rebecaa Traister to quit writing love letters to bacon and actually research and write something? Does she woo Steve Benen back to run War Room full-time?
No...there are much bigger slabs to fry for Joan...
Because after all that time to peruse and ponder, she doesn't come back with something new, exciting, and fresh to say? OHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO..... Joan Walsh -- and here, come on all, join in and say it along with us -- JOAN WALSH BASHES OBAMA.
Usually Joan is concerned by Obama, but the antidepressants are NOT working, and Joan's escalating. Now Joan is "betrayed" by Obama.
What's next? That's easy. While on vacation, Joan took along her trusty Roget's Thesaurus, looked up synonyms for concerned and betrayed, and and has mapped out enough blog post titles to easily carry her through the summer.
So, Salon readers, stay tuned, because coming soon from Joan Walsh at Salon, are the following headlines:
- Troubled by Obama
- The apostasy of Barack
- Feeling anxious about Obama
- Why we're apprehensive about Obama
- Obama begins to beguile
- America is fearful of Obama
- My uneasiness with Obama
- Obama's unsettling direction
- Why liberals are distressed by Obama
- Obama's perfidious politics
- Treachery thy name is Obama
- Obama double-crosses the Dems
- Deceived by the dude
- Duped by the Democratic nominee
- Obama humbug!
- Hoodwinked by the hysteria
- Obambi pulls the wool over our eyes
Please, someone, invite them!! Because even with the bacon stories and Greenwald doing his best Paul Revere imitation, Salon sans Walsh and Koppelman was such the nicer place.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Just as the sun always rises in the East, and night follows day, we know that Joan Walsh has concerns about Barack Obama. She's worried, she's concerned, she's got something to say, and, of course she's not alone, because, as Joan will remind us all, frequently: "most would agree."
Today, woot woot -- another big surprise -- Joan thinks that Obama has yet another huge, insurmountable problem to overcome...